Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
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She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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