Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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