Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
