i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
