I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
