I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
