Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
