The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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