I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
