I hate all girls vehemently.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
false alarm, still single
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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