It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
