wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
