First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
