I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
