I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
