Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
