i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
