your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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