There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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