My balls are so social today.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
