I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
