I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
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