Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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