I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
