I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
