Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
