I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
