Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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