I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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