If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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