she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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