You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
