I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
