1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
