Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
