did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.