That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
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Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN