Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar