i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you win again, gameday.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
