hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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