I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
