I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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