I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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