it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
