dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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