final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.