i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
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You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
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He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.