Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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