I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
