she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
