walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
