He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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