would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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