she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
