i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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