actually, I'm a sock model
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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