I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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