So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
