i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
